Stable

What a strange feeling to wake up and feel in-between. Not high nor low, not floating or sinking. My moods are elusive, and I haven’t unraveled any rhyme or reason to them except I’ll be up for a few weeks maybe and then super down for a few days. Not a bad ratio in my opinion. I’m still coming to terms with the bipolar diagnosis, having only received it less than a year ago.

Sometimes it makes me feel other than myself, as if there were two completely different people living inside my body. The medicine helps but I also don’t want too much in case I would trade in those euphoric rushes for this stability. It’s nice when it comes, but it doesn’t compare to that feral feeling. If the trade off is feeling heavy and depleted for a few days of the month, I’ll take that deal. But yes, mom, if you’re reading I do take my medicine every day.

As it were, I’ll embrace this calm stable mood and have a pistachio latte made at home, write at least 300 words of my book and edit my sibling’s novel for a bit before school. I’ll walk our big dog and hope it works out with our little kittens. And go through this day not forcing, not racing, not existing, but living in it.