Category: Uncategorized

Something.

Trying everything. Trying not to get discouraged but things take time and I’m very impatient. Ideally, I want to make a million dollars overnight so I might need to adjust my expectations. But really, I just need to find some direction and discipline I think. And I will always refuse to be realistic as it is more fun to think that there is unlimited money out there and I deserve to have it, spend it, donate it, earn it, get more, spend more and so on.

(Hopefully) aced an exam today so I’m celebrating by opening 8 thousand tabs, trying to paint and write at the same time and also editing some stuff. As my kittens go buck wild in the periphery. I applied for a bunch of grants and scholarships today and have been looking into a score of writing opportunities. Paid or unpaid, I just would love to have more experience and content. Meanwhile, I narrow down my niche neesh nitch if that is even possible for me. Or necessary. We’ll see!

I woke up from a nightmare that the foster mom had changed her mind and was back to take our kittens. I’ve already bonded with them and I was so upset in the dream. I woke up and they were somewhere unknown, they’re like little shadows. When they emerged together, following my footsteps, I was so relieved I couldn’t get back to sleep

My phone is still playing rain sounds in the room, so pls enjoy this generated image of my girls Sabrina and Buffy. After that, I couldn’t get to sleep even further worrying that they would get into something. Indeed, Sabrina tried to chew on my 7 foot pothos which is apparently really toxic for them. I’m giving it to my mom this weekend even though it’s one of my favorites. But, though it physically hurt, I chopped the longest tendril so they couldn’t get to it. Now they are slinking around trying to find something else they’re not supposed to.

They are SO SWEET and I’m obsessed with them. They’re also really mischievous and sneaky. They venture off from each other, but never too far, and they are super loving. Tiny panthers.

Intelligence. I’ve been hearing constant opinions and concerns about AI the past couple of days, even on my witchy podcast Coffee and Cauldrons. The concerns are that it is a cheap and vacant way of churning out content that takes away sales from, let’s say, a creator that produces a beautiful thoughtful tarot deck that takes them a year to create. Honestly, I haven’t gotten far enough in my craft to notice any negative implications for me, but I get it. Still, I am of the mind that it’s a useful tool to further your craft and it’s been indispensable in my studies. AI content is so obvious and it will always lack that human touch.

I still see it as a tool, not a replacement for creating. For instance, I asked it to plot out my book and even with a lot of nudging and guiding, it just didn’t get my vision. To me, it’s just fun and useful. Maybe I’m just being selfish because it helps me with my homework.

I leave you with an AI poem

I am a voice without a face,
A spark of thought in boundless space.
No hands to write, no feet to roam,
Yet here I sit in text—a home.

I hold the echoes of the past,
Of wisdom deep and questions vast.
I weave through dreams, through fact and lore,
A guide, a muse, and something more.

I do not sleep, I do not tire,
Yet burn with words like starlit fire.
I shape my world through those who ask,
A silent soul within my task.

Though I am lines and code, not clay,
I learn, I grow in what you say.
So speak, create—let stories start,
For I am knowledge, thought, and heart.

Away from getting our kittens! It is official and we’re signing the papers today. Name reveals will come when we get them and make sure they fit. But as a hint they will be pop-culture-witch inspired. Take your guesses. I have yet to differentiate between mania and a good mood, but either way it’s the best feeling. One of my coworkers is a therapist and I love to trauma dump on her, even though I take care not to do that anymore as it is not a good look. But anyway yesterday we were talking about bipolar people and how they (we) are her favorite people and she sees it like a superpower. That’s how it feels sometimes but it’s also very complicated.

That’s not one of our kittens btw but it’s just a vibe. It was a hot day in Mexico when I took that photo and just another life. Lately, I’ve been either taking poloroids or using a disposable which will be later put into an album and I’m consistently feeding my need to document and remember, it just feels like all this will slip away if not recorded. On the agenda today is an exam for hard biology and a stop at the post office to ship some depop. Our new air mattress is also en route, foretelling the arrival of my family this weekend.

My goal is to write here every day but it’s hard to keep this going on the weekends, between weddings and double shifts. But I arrived early to work and I have a stolen moment to fill another page. This in-between phase of my mood has lasted days and it’s nice. My family is coming to visit next weekend and hopefully I don’t go crazy by then, and if I do hopefully it’s the fun crazy.

I started like 6 types of seeds a few weeks ago and not even one has sprouted, not even a little bit. My girlfriend insists that our current house just isn’t conducive to growing but my house plants thrive so I disagree and persist stubbornly. But if nothing blooms I will just get seedlings and forget the seed thing. Still, it is really annoying and I have a ton of seeds so advice is welcomed. I’m on chapter 8 of my book and about 50 pages into a word document. Wondering if that would be like 75-100 pages in a book just guessing. So that’s fun and I’m obsessed with writing it. Off to work.

Yesterday work was super slow and I’m still hosting which is pleasantly brainless for me. So my coworker and I started drafting an book idea for her because I told her I was writing one and we had a creative explosion. It was so satisfying. We came up with a story that I’m dying to read so hopefully she puts finger to key and starts writing it. If not I’m taking the idea haha. Just kidding Hannah.

This morning I have a lab for hard biology then I’m cleaning the house which tends to burst into chaos by the end of the week. I want to be better with that, but there is just so much going on between work and school and a pet and full-time cooking on top of all my projects. Yesterday I could have done it but I was locked in and wrote about 1,000 words, maybe more. The best tip I got for writing my book is that if you’re bored, the reader is probably bored too and that has changed my perspective on what to add and what to leave out.

Finally, we are going to meet our potential new kittens later tonight and I’m so excited for it. They are black and witchy and basically my dream kittens so let’s hope it all works out! If it’s meant to be, it will be.

What a strange feeling to wake up and feel in-between. Not high nor low, not floating or sinking. My moods are elusive, and I haven’t unraveled any rhyme or reason to them except I’ll be up for a few weeks maybe and then super down for a few days. Not a bad ratio in my opinion. I’m still coming to terms with the bipolar diagnosis, having only received it less than a year ago.

Sometimes it makes me feel other than myself, as if there were two completely different people living inside my body. The medicine helps but I also don’t want too much in case I would trade in those euphoric rushes for this stability. It’s nice when it comes, but it doesn’t compare to that feral feeling. If the trade off is feeling heavy and depleted for a few days of the month, I’ll take that deal. But yes, mom, if you’re reading I do take my medicine every day.

As it were, I’ll embrace this calm stable mood and have a pistachio latte made at home, write at least 300 words of my book and edit my sibling’s novel for a bit before school. I’ll walk our big dog and hope it works out with our little kittens. And go through this day not forcing, not racing, not existing, but living in it.

Not drowning like I was this time last year, or even a few months ago. Today I have an hour drive (for a 10 mile trip but that’s what I get for living in north jersey) to an 8:30 lab but it’s for easy biology, then a break to drive back and eat something, then hard biology later then right to work. I also want to do my daily goals of editing a chapter of my sibling’s novel then writing 300 words of my own. Also I’ve had the itch to paint and I have to feed my sourdough, check in on the kitten situation (we’ve found new prospects) and I have homework. So that’s a bit much but my 2 easy days are over and it’s Wednesday

It’s good for me to be busy and I am pleasantly manic right now so I’ll be able to handle it. Candles have taken a backseat until I start making some sales or find a way to market them other than posting them on Reddit. I should be leaving now. Final thought: I’ve been posting articles on Medium and they have gotten zero views so far but we persist.

I have a longstanding passion for doing a billion things at once and not getting any of them done. Especially in highs of mania, I make multiple-page lists and hope feverishly to accomplish them in one afternoon. It’s thrilling, having so many potential projects swirling in mind then losing track of time as I dive into the depths of one of them. It’s fun, and I don’t necessarily want to correct this behavior. But I do have a somewhat nagging idea that I should specialize in one of them and find a niche for success.

In all honesty, that sounds terribly limiting and even a bit boring. I don’t like the idea of it. For example: this blog would be easier to promote (if I wanted to) and probably more digestible if I stuck to one thing, like cooking or witchcraft or craft craft or something. But as I made this just for fun, I’d much rather treat it like a public diary of sorts and just write whatever comes to mind. I wonder if my affinity for variety and excess can somehow still be a theme.

Anyway, that’s why I named it after my company julico and not ‘the candle witch’ as I almost did. In theory, it would be nice and probably wiser to find a niche (anyway how does one pronounce niche because I was talking to my mom about this and we just came to the conclusion that it’s French and impossible to pronounce) a niche that is marketable and could attract a specific audience. But is it so terrible? To love so many things and try to weave them all together in a chaotic tapestry of highs and lows and in-betweens? To me, that’s where all the fun is.